Playpen 

Parental Observations

A Mum was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. They give me no rest!"

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So the mum bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," she said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

• A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 

• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 

• Having children will turn you into your parents. 

• If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. 

• One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many. 

• The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
 
• Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

You child throws up, and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.

You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!"

You automatically double-knot everything you tie. 

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. 

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! 

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.